All Talk and No Action

Chetan Bhagat is one of the few people who are consistently stupid. At least when they write.

This article in the Sunday TOI proves my point.

Now, Aishwarya's resume reads Actress, and there is absolutely no doubt about her acting skills – they are absent.

So yes, she is wooden, plastic and an ice maiden.

Sachin Tendulkar, Shahrukh Khan, Dhirubhai Ambani – all rose from the bourgeois. I don't know anyone who is jealous of them.

And, don't even get me started on Shashi Tharoor.

Anyway, this isn't a rant. Stupidity of such an order, on the Op-Ed pages, provides much laughter on weekends.

Go Bhagat Go !

Deepak shared this article on Satya Sai Baba.

The piece graduated from being absorbing to morbid.

Sample this show of "faith" by a devotee, despite allegations of sexual abuse leveled against Baba -

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If this is what having faith in a spiritual guru does to your brain, then we all have reasons to be very scared.

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Having a Guru might be useful in one's spiritual journey - helping one to explore and understand faith and a Supreme Force.

However, problems arise when people start seeking God in a Guru.

They miss the whole point. The Guru is just a means and an enabler. Don't confuse him with the End.

In fact, if your Guru or you think that he is God – may God help both of you.

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Indians abroad often seem worried about losing out on traditions and the country's spiritual wisdom.

While in Hong Kong, I made friends with quite a few Indian families.

There used to be a palpable buzz every time a Baba or a Mata visited HK.

Once, while I had been invited to dinner by one such family, the conversation steered towards vegetarianism and their Baba's take on what will happen to Non Vegetarians.

The family was disturbed, for obvious reasons.

Then started an analysis of every word the baba said on vegetarianism, karma, freedom of choice - a horrid mish mash of baba's, Mahabharata's, Bhagvad Gita's and their own interpretation.

Knowing myself, I am quite surprised at how quiet I remained through out the discussion.

Must be the curry-chawal.

This video gave me the goosebumps, because, I replaced Africa with India, everywhere.

Some days back I was enlightened on the truly entrepreneurial nature of Indians.

A small business owner saw ample opportunity in the Mumbai Railway Ticketing industry.

The business provides insurance to ticketless travelers.

You just heard it !

Insurance to ticketless travelers.

From my knowledge, this firm operates in Bhandup and provides insurance at a premium of Rs. 300/-

Any unlucky traveler can go and encash the fine receipt.

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We surmised the business to have a very good rate of return.

How many people end up getting caught anyway ?

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The company has been around for many years. Obviously, it is discreet and generates revenues through word of mouth.

I also think it's a very scalable model. Have a set up outside every station in Mumbai. Once monopoly has been established, set sail for the rest of the country.

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I am sure the railway authorities, TCs and police must be hand in glove.

Else, how do you explain the miniscule percentage of ticketless travelers that ever get caught ?

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I do not know the name of this company. So don't even ask.

My Dear Fundu English Speaking Brethren,

I hope my letter finds you in the pink of your health. Ah now, there is no reason why you shouldn't be feeling so...given the umpteen number of reasons our Non English/Mediocre English/public school bred brethren give you...

So how have you all been?

Err, please, that suspicious look is the last thing I need right now. I know I should have written to you long back. I should have taken more initiative and interest in your well being.

If only I had had the foresight, things might not have come to this.

I know I really should have raised my voice when you laughed your brain off at Eena's English Poetry Recitation.

I shouldn't have looked the other way when you mocked Meena on her inadequate class participation owing to her rudimentary English grammar.

I should have shown my disgust when you ostracized Deeka for being from a lower middle class, non English speaking background.

All through the past years, you joked, laughed at, insulted, belittled everyone who fumbled with their English. Vernacular Students were shooed away and so were Hindi professors.

Old uncles and aunts reading Manorama, Navbharat, Gujarat Samachar, Jansatta were persuaded to switch to the hep Times of India.

Kitty parties became breeding grounds for "Yo" Mommas who couldn't stand Hindi speaking behenjis...

Anything remotely "Hindi" was dismissed !

You wanted to welcome the new world and all the glories it brought in the form of BPO/KPO/ITES et al.

Yet, at what cost? What had our dear old Hindi done to deserve this fate??

For all I know, she is one of the sweetest languages ever. One who is all embracing and understanding.

So, then, the fault must have lied with you. Your basic need to seek approval. The centuries old burden to please and try to be "one" with those who thought Hindi was "down market".

And so, this is why I write to you today. I want to help you overcome your illusory feelings about yourself and others. I want to help you understand that it is OK to be "not very good" at English. It's NOT the end of the world if one of our brethren fails at talking in "correct" English.

Will you be my friend again? Will you help me build this bridge between us?

What? Is that a Yes?! Great !

Now that you show an inkling of what needs to be corrected, here are my guidelines for our Fraanship -

• Do not laugh at Mr A for fumbling with his English Presentation in office. He might not have been lucky to attend a good school but he damn well is a hardworking man
• Please talk with fellow Indians in Hindi. Not because it brings with it a certain informality, but because it is natural
• Please talk to your neighbour in Hindi. Though she is from the Hindi medium, I bet she shall have lots to add to your overflowing cup of intelligence
• Please don't start with "You Blooddyyyy..." when a Sam/Somnath calls to sell credit cards in his rustic English. Say a Polite No.
• If you are a snooty teenager who avers Hindi and often mouths Eva, I tell Ya, Gotcha, Oh My Gosh, betcha, gotta go, Yo Baby.....STOP you idiot ! Now you are iinsulting not one, but two beautiful languages! Go, join some English Speaking Academy.
  
• I know I am stretching this a little far, but why don't you try your hand at a Hindi Daily, or for that matter, any regional daily? They have great content and show an otherwise unknown India. Once we progress, I shall ask my Mata Shri for recommendations on Premchand and Mahashweta Devi's novels...
  
• Promise me you wont ill treat Vernacular Students. Let me tell you a tiny secret. Vernacular Blood courses through my veins and some of my closest pals belong to this breed too! These people are go getters and very committed. Before you know, they shall be challenging your very own strengths !
• You might be interested in knowing that Mandarin & French are two of the most sought after languages. Yet, the countries they are spoken in, forged ahead not by boycotting these languages.
  
• OK, Please follow the above only when you are fully convinced that Hindi deserves more respect. Follow these rules if you truly believe that Hindi is a part of who you are, your identity. Don't do it because you feel obliged to or face danger from me !

Now that I have made myself clear, please convey my regards to all at home.

Hope, my next missive to you shall be in our Rashtra Bhasha !

Ah, one more thing, STOP using "in the pink of your health" in your letters !! Don't you know that it's a moronic phrase?? Didn't your English Prof teach you that??

Jai Hindi !

Ya. Breath-taking.

Yup. Mind Boggling too.

Oh My My...the First of it's kind !!

Oh yeah...Finally we join the Club too !!

What a saviour I tell you !

It's been a lonnng wait...But finally it's worth it !

Haan Bhai Haan. Upar likha hua sab sach hai. 100 percent sahi hai.

Bandra Wori Sea Link hai hi itni gazab ki cheez.

But why are we Indians so? Free ka maal dikha nahi ki toot padte hain apna share lene ?!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I fail to find any logic in the argument that one should go and throttle the bridge till Sunday, after which one shall have to pay - OMG 50 Bucks?!

I would rather go after Sunday, pay 50 bucks and actually enjoy the 8 minutes ride, than go now, wait for 2 hours in traffic, blow up my petrol, pollute the environment, suffer from heart burn and curse the whole world.

Grow up India, Please Grow Up.

Pay and smile :)

Attached below are a friend's thoughts. I couldn't help sharing them here. I agree with most of them. Hope, they help us cast our votes sensibly.

Fiscal Deficit at 10.3% of GDP (highest in history, all time high)

Deaths from terrorist Attacks: 3674 lives (higher than North, Central, South America, Europe, Asia put together)

Real GDP Growth Rate (GDP Growth Rate less Inflation) is Negative, will we finally witness the stone age with the current deceleration in our economy?? My Camera is Ready, should the Congress win

For not supporting the War on terror. The War on terror is after all for countries like UK and USA that have been affected by terrorism. As in percentage terms is quite minuscule, 3674 out of 100 Billion

Stalling Infrastructure Projects: Several Infrastructure Projects have been temporarily stalled. The Golden Quadrilateral has several phases still to be completed, our very own Bandra Worli Sea Link took over 10 years to complete, compare it to the Empire State Building built in record 13 months and that too in 1929 (Great Depression)

Making Aviation Expensive: Allowing the Private Airport Developers to charge User Development Fee, thereby making air travel more expensive. Lets rejoice once again and enjoy the good old fashioned rail travel. After all its always been the notion that only the elite can fly

I fondly remember, Aam Admi Ko Kya Mila Campaign by Congress, its good that they left it as a question, as it is still a question, after all what can the, ‘aam admi’ get when for terrorists welfare (Mr. Qasab) the tax payer simply pays closer to about 10 crores a day, what can the aam admi expect??

Aam Admi should not get anything as Congress is all about ‘Khaas Admi’, its just been one Nehru family that has been controlling the destiny of this country since 1947, maybe we haven't suffered enough from Mr. Nehru’s Socialist approach. It does appear if everyone that has a Gandhi Surname has a political future. What good is meritocracy, when most talented Indians are already abroad, why not get away with ridiculous reservations?

Mr. Shivraj Patil finally resigns after over 4 years of slumber, thank God he at least woke up. Why should he get fired any which ways, after all what good are reservations if they don’t protect the incompetent?

Decline in health care: It was quite annoying to visit government run hospitals that are disgustingly, rat and cockroach infested. What good is USD 320 Billion Forex Reserves, where a nation cannot guarantee its citizens quality, affordable health care?

Making India a safe haven for terrorists: Mr. Qasab is in jail, he is still being tried in court, why isnt be simply being hanged or subject to life imprisonment. Well as the thinking goes if Mohammed Afzal, the terrorist that attacked the Indian Parliament is safe and sound, why should Qasab be any different. After all an Indian Jail is better than being trained at a Jihadi Camp in Pakistan. Terrorism has endangered public lives !

Our local candidate, Mr. Milind Deora during a meeting mentioned that do not come to my home for water, electricity and any other problems. It is not quite as relieving as watching him on news channels after the Mumbai attacks

Indian Army: Feel extremely proud of the Indian Army presentation during last year’s Republic Day, the short and medium range missiles. However, I feel we can reduce our fiscal deficit by creating a museum as we never intend to use these weapons. Our army are much better off committing atrocities in Kashmir, screening bags at the airport, reading newspapers at National Railway Station. Our military rocks, we are # 4 in the world, but we still continue to be bullied by our hostile neighbours, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, China

For increasing tax rates, making us the 23rd least friendly tax climate, eroding investor confidence and entrepreneur’s profits. Instead of plugging in a leaking bucket, Mr. Chidambaram is too busy increasing avenues and milking its existing cash cows

Banning Smoking in Public but being least bothered to enforce it, making a sheer mockery of the government enforcement

My Fellow Brothers and Sisters, Lets get our Country Back

-DS

Aapki Mumbai ne toh meri naak mai dum kar diya hai !

Naah...Indian Summers don't suit my skin anymore...

Uffooo...Itna kachra? Kaise reh leti ho itni gandagi mai?

Yahan kuch nahi ho sakta... the city has gone to dogs !

Hamare yahan toh aisa kuch nahi hota...it's a LOT more organized you know...


All the above have been uttered by a few friends and relatives that have been staying abroad.

Some have been settled in the US/UK since the past twenty years while a few others have been globe trotting since last two years...

Most of them have been born and bred in India for the first 20 years of their lives...

I agree with them.

Yes, there is dirt here. There is corruption. There is bureaucracy and apathy.

But the most important thing is - WE.

We are dirty, corrupt, bureaucratic, apathetic.

And We are cynical. We think things won't change.

We throw rubbish on roads, We spit, We treat all public properties as "baap ka maal", We break traffic rules, We bribe, We don't perform our duties.

And then We say things won't change.

But yeah..when we go abroad - we stand in queue for bus, we don't spit (maybe we are afraid of the fine), we are polite and courteous, we don't discrimanate on the basis of caste/religion, we don't mind if our neighbour is black/asian/hispanic, we drool over the traffic rules and the absolute adherence to laws, we go ga-ga over the legal system, we appreciate civic liberties, we respect our house maids (In fact I don't think we call them "maids" at all !), We participate in "Earth Hour" and other such initiatives to do our bit for Global Warming.

So basically do we become "nicer" and more conscientious because -

• Koi chara nahi hai (It is enforced by law)?
• Hawa Paani ka asar?
• It's a new experimentation
  
• We want to "fit in"?
• We actually were good at birth but India never really gave us a chance to show it?

It's Election year ! Needless to say, I am glad...

I remember, when I turned 18, I was the happiest not because I could drive or do "things" majors do, but that I could Vote.

This is an important duty that every citizen should perform. I call it a duty and not a "Right" because it is now, more than ever, that Indians should participate in this electoral Juggernaut. It is high time we arose and made ourselves heard.

It is no more your right which you can forego under the guise of "cynicism"… "Kuch nahi badlega…kya hoga…yeh sab neta aise hi hain…"

It is the need of the hour that we take our responsibility towards India and ourselves seriously. We owe this to the nation.

Talking about elections, I have come up with a list of my expectations from the Next Government…

Here is my wish list –

• Education

According to official sources, India spends about 4.2% of its GDP on Education. In a young nation, this is appalling.

We have to start looking at education with fresh ideas. Old ideas and complete dependence on public schooling system shall work no more. The passing of the Right to Education Bill is definitely in the right direction and shall bring respite to millions of youth. Now, no longer will kids be denied education on the basis of their castes or economic status.

Yet, the government needs to be more transparent regarding it's efforts to increase and improve literacy rates. For starters, I would want to know what's being done with the 2% cess that I pay – it's uses, the number of schools built, support for teaching staff, etc. A small place like Tuticorin collected 3 crores by way of cess in the fiscal 2004-05. Any guess at the amount utilized? A mere 1 lakh ! I can't imagine the numbers in the highest tax paying city of the nation !

Also, it would be nice if the government tied up with NGOs and provided monetary assistance. Yes, I know – the word NGO means there should be no government involvement. Yet, if big NGOs like Pratham and Akanksha, which are professionally run get financial backing from the Central Govt., it wouldn't take long to ensure 100% literacy in the country. Look at what "Teach India" has done. It's a people's movement – one that shall have far reaching effects in the years to come. Now couple that with billions in aid – it would have a colossal impact.

Also, free food vouchers should be given to families in rural areas to encourage them to send their kids to schools.

From my limited experience at Pankhudi – I have seen the sort of loopholes that plague our system. We teach KG level English to 8/9 grade students ! India has a lonnng way to go in terms of education and only if it can ensure this basic right to one and all, will this Asian Elephant start to dance.

• Infrastructure

In 5 years of governance, the government has failed to complete even ONE of the 47 Highways on their agenda in 2004. If this is the status of the pet project, I can't start talking about other issues !

I would want more number of planned cities in the country. Look at New Mumbai and Chandigarh. Well planned and bustling with activity. It's a tad too late to wish this for Mumbai. Yet, if small problems like traffic congestion were resolved in bits & pieces it would change the face of the city.

In a city like Mumbai which is assaulted by evergrowing population - why has water transportation been given a chance? Water transportation is cheap and can solve the Mahin and New Mumbai traffic torture.

The government needn't go far to look for help. A lot of research is done in the form of projects at esteemed institutions like the IITs. A friend was working on a Traffic Control project and how to solve the situation at a crowded place like Saki Naka. Now, this might just be a thesis. Yet, studies like these form a warehouse of ideas and can be easily implemented IF the government is wiling.

• IT Benefits and Budget

The new FM definitely needs to be a risk taker and a Pro Middle Class Guy !! I am tired of the stupid tax slabs !! Most of the past budgets have been pro looting the aam junta. Now, I would want some relaxation in the tax norms. I don't think it's fair to charge me more if I earn more ! Why not have a flat tax rate? Something akin to what HK, Singapore have? Even a chaotic country like Korea has lower tax rates than ours !

• International Relations

Indians have always been found to dilly dally where Intl. Relations are concerned. Look at our policy with the African countries. The NAM was suppossed to bring these nations together and work in allignment for their respective progress. Yet, where do we stand with most of these African nations today? Having a Pro Africa policy and cementing bi-lateral relations with these countries would be in our favour. These countries are resource rich - diamonds, oil, gold, etc. The government, alongwith the private sector could hatch up deals with various African nations. We could play important role in bringing them prosperity and in the meanwhile, ensuring huge markets for our companies ! There is a LOT to be shared culturally as well due to our common struggles against the British Raj.

Look at our failure with Myanmar.

In both the instances above, China has been pro-active. It has been actively playing the role of a mentor nation where Africa is involved and has been show-casing to the world that it is ready to take on the mantle of Leader of the Future ! Yes, it's actions in Africa can't be called selfless, yet, they seem to be a win-win for all parties involved.

I wonder, what's has been so difficult for our polity to figure out here.

An email forward that's being dong rounds this week -