All Talk and No Action

• Indian Politics and Mahabharat are both rich subjects, requiring deft treatment. Jha failed in this department. Why he mixed both, fails me.

• Life, including Politics, is mostly gray. Jha showcases Politics as uni-dimensional. "Everyone out there is a scoundrel" is what the message appeared to be. Really, it is a very damaging view to hold. Saner and more realistic movies to have come out on politics are Satta by Madhur Bhandarkar and Gulaal by Anurag Kashyap.

• The movie had awful character development. Katrina's new age woman, who is raring to go after the man of her dreams, giving in meekly to the demands of the men in her life, was such a no-brainer! Her character is treated like cattle - auctioned from one party to another. You may say that this is how it is for women from political families. Then, I say, don't show a street smart belle. Someone timid would seem more authentic. Or, at least show a decent fight being put up by the character. Pouts don't count! Similarly, Ranbir's "Arjun" was beyond me. I laughed out when, during the climax, he loathes politics, stating how it brings out the animal in him. Really?? No external force can ever bring out the animal in you, unless you already have one residing within. Ranbir's transformation from an international student of Victorian Poetry to a blood thirsty, scheming mastermind was an assault on my senses. For all the drama about his conscience, there was not a single scene depicting agony or internal debate within him. I hold similar views on all other characters in this opus. Bollywood movie makers really need to work on creating believable characters.

• At a subconscious level, the movie seemed to promote the idea that children of political families are born with political acumen. How else do you explain Ranbir's character? It seemed as if the guy had been writing poetry, always secretly wishing to manage a national election campaign. Duh !

• The quintessential rain sequence - The scene between Nikhila Trikha and Naseeruddin Shah gave the impression that all one requires to unleash stupidity in people is monsoon!

• The only good thing to have come out of the movie is the "Jesth Putra" scene between Trikha and Devgan. It is my official recommendation for the most hilarious scene of the year.

• It would be unfair to say that I found no good in the movie. Arjun Rampal was quite an unexpected delight. So was Shruti Sheth. But that's that.

Story, Action, Drama, Romance, Comedy and whatever else you can think of - Kites joins the ranks of few movies, which lack all of the mentioned requisites.

This isn't a regular review. You can find out about Kites related paraphernalia elsewhere.

*****
Mr. Rakesh Roshan - An enviable brand, you have created in FilmKRAFT. Your movies have entertained many, for many years. So, keeping in mind your movie making acumen, just how in the world, did you come to write Kites ? Can't you accord some respect to your audience ? What in the world, gives you the right, to mock people who actually help you remain in business ? If I were you, I would be ashamed, to be called the story writer for this movie.

*****
Mr. Anurag Basu - Just when we thought you were gifted, you had to do this ? You now hold the title of making one of the most boringly, lifeless movies ever.

*****
Miss Kangana - You do a lot of depressing roles. In fact, I don't remember you ever playing a happy, lively girl, ever. Yet, even with what you are offered, you always impress. So why in hell did you accept this nonsensical garbage ?

*****
Miss Barbara - You chose well. Still, I think the biggest loser in this whole deal might be you. Or is it that they make more horrible movies in Mexico ?

*****
Dearest Hritik - A full two years after Jodha Akbar, and this is what we get ? Yes, a lot of shows may run full, owing to your physique and amazing dancing skills. Yet, a lot of us spend our hard earned money to get a glimpse of the Hritik of Lakshya or maybe, even a Mission Kashmir. This is the least you owe to your fans. Maybe you don't need our money. In these days of multiplex cinema, you can be assured of breaking even, at the very least. Still, don't you owe it your own self ? Whatever happened to your intelligence ?! Please spend your blood, tears, sweat on more meaningful cinema. Kites can't even be called cinema !

*****
All the Roshans - You guys mostly create magic onscreen. Yet, maybe, you should give yourselves (and us) a break and go separate ways. That way, one of you will show some sense and advise the others against trodding down the path to self destruction !!!

*****
Bollywood film makers - A lot of you wish to expand your viewership, go global, win awards and crack important deals. I wish you luck. Just don't name your rubbish as "Indian Cinema". Your movies make us cringe and it becomes difficult to clean up the mess after you leave ! Also, didn't you have a story writing class in school ? If story, which is primary to a film, is so difficult for you guys, please adapt from literature. But give us characters which make us feel for them. And please, please, please work on your idea of romance.

With lots of time to kill last night, my brother and I zeroed in on My Name is Khan.

I always have reservations about a Johar movie, especially, when he directs it. Still, not heeding advice of empirical data and ignoring my intuition (which is almost always correct in pointing out potential disasters), we headed out to watch MNIK.

***************************************************************

Oh before we talk about this Opus, let me tell you, yesterday was an official paid leave for the Policemen of Mumbai.

About 30 policemen guarded the Cinemax we went to. We saw a dozen outside a closed Fame Adlabs too.

Well, a shut Adlabs would have cost a bomb to the owners, really. A weekend and no shows to run?

But that is not the point. Business losses toh hote rehte hain. Big Deal !

What I am happy about is that our overstretched, tired, un-appreciated policemen got a paid leave.

Only I don't know if being over-stretched yet doing real work is more exhausting than watching a Karan Johar movie.

***************************************************************

So back to MNIK.

Now here, for the first time, Karan Johar has tried his hand at "serious" and "meaningful" cinema.

I hope this is his last time.

My Name is Khan chronicles the life of a Rizwan Khan with Asperger's Syndrome. The movie is a three hour melodrama on his life, his outlook, his relationships, his beliefs, his religion, his kindness, mother-son relationship, husband-wife relationship, racism, Hindu - Muslim riots, 9/11, post 9/11 atrocities on various ethnic communities, Afghanistan, Iraq, President Bush, Hurricane Katrina, President Elect Obama.

There is more. But I am overwhelmed and hence cannot mention all the issues the movie brought up.

Terrorism, Mental/Physical Disorders and Religion - all require certain sensitivity to portray onscreen.

Karan fails colossally.

From the story to characterization - everything is faulty in this one.

The movie is so inconsistent when it deals with characters and historical events, that it leaves you feeling stupid.

E.g. Towards the end of Bush's term, when Obama catapulted on the world political stage, I remember reading that Bush had been advised to make lesser public appearances, since his face was actually doing more harm to Republican candidates than helping them win. So if you have followed the 2008 Presidential Elections, you would actualy know that Bush had almost disappeared from the public scene. Yet, the movie, not only shows Bush in his full glory, being treated like a King at all public appearances, and that at the fag end of his term ! Which would mean August/September 2008 ! Why Karan why??

Also, the relationship between SRK & Kajol is just so inadequate and glib that it leaves you speechless, really.

The movie has various such exasperating incidents and goof ups.

Also, in trying to address various issues, Karan loses track and ends up addressing nothing.

One wouldn't mind such stupidity, had the central characters been well written and brought out onscreen.

But SRK's Rizwan is not what a person with Asperger's Syndrome would look, dress and be like. Though SRK does a good job in some scenes, especially which only require him to smile coyly, or show his emotions when the situation demands, overall I wasn't convinced.

The biggest let down was Kajol's Mandira. The character has no depth and would seem like an opportunist by the end of the movie, if you are still watching it, that is. Kajol, though looks stunning, has a weak role and I am amazed how she didn't object while going with it.

The music by Shankar-Ehsan-Loy is very average and doesn't make the journey any easy for the viewer.

It would have made more sense to make a movie with a person afflicted with some disorder and focus on his relationships.

Or a movie just on Terrorism.

Or a movie on the plight of ethnic communities in the US after 9/11.

Or a superhero SRK flying in to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Yes, that would have been more convincing.

While I fidgeted in my seat last night, and almost cried out of boredom, I took an oath of never to watch Karan Johar directed movies, not even if I am thrown out of my house and have no avenues of killing time.